Presents on the last days of Fall semester & study period :)

Dec 11
Went to breakfast at 7 from the library with Hyun, Heejoo, and Maragaret. It was a cute breakfast where i stole mad bananas and a carton of soy milk for Hyun. Later in the day Hyun, Carlos, and I went to CVS and Barnes and had some down time chill time :) It made me really happy. Later I got paid for that damn palm pilot ethnic/emotion psychology experiment I had been participating in for the past 10 days. 31 dollars... out of the possible 44.5 haha. Whatever, still happy. This is for my HoneyPig trip Dec 12 (Today..)


Dec 10
Study days begin. Credit Suisse held a study break... "study break" and it was beyond legit, so intense. They had fancy hors d'oeuvres, waiters/waitresses, DDR/wii/rockband, free manicures and pedicures and massages, and goodie bags (actually georgetown drawstring backpacks) with lots of candy, gum, popcorn, $5 gift certificate. Probably one of my best times that day! Loads of fun. Credit Suisse is trying so hard to get Georgetown students to work for them.. so ridiculous what they do for us. haha

Pulled an allnighter, first one ever! Almost finished my history essay :)

Dec 9
I bumped into my good friend Priya (who is always MIA). We sat down and chatted for 1 hour before she had to leave for class. She told me about her new business plan to fix computers and loan temporary ones (because our school's tech center SUCKS). She said she'd hire me as the spokesperson, no joke!

Oh and got an A on my French paper :)

Dec 8
BAD DAY
5000 debt
sell flute
break down

Santa Claus is coming to town!

Day 7
Productive productive day! + 1 bonus hour at work + I think I learned how to be attractive and cordial company on the phone. :)

Day 6
I was able to try out my roommate's church ODPC. It is a Korean church with a large 2nd generation english-speaking ministry. I am so thankful to have finally found a church where it feels like home. I can't keep running away from the Korean ministry, can I. ^^

Catching up with a few days of Christmas!

Dec 5
First snow & able to stay in ALL day

Dec 4
CSA's Fall Ball with friends. Eat loads of rich authentic Chinese food and dance the night away with friends

Dec 3
Opportunity to go to the Kenya Embassy and volunteer

Day 2

2nd day of Christmas my true love sent to me....

450 bucks in refund leftover from the Georgetown fall scholarship!

Hallelujah

25 Days of Christmas

Day 1
Everyday should be Christmas, shouldn't it?
So let's start with December 1st. The first day of Christmas.
Everyday is a blessing, no?
So today's blessing: Urbana scholarship ($750) !
Praise the Lord.

College 1

College is amazing.
People here are amazing.
Some people here (aka floormates) are douchebags (excuse my language).
But most people here are friendly or at least have a friendly distance.

I have an aunt who lives 10 minutes away.
She is eating lunch with me every Saturday at a high end restaurant. I think she has a special liking to me.
I feel like Rory Gilmore when she has to go eat Friday dinners with her grandparents so that they will pay for her prep school tuition and then for Yale.
Except of course, I haven't got an incentive such as that to go eat other than the food itself and sophisticated company.

Off I go to French Bistro !

We are Flowers not Fungi

We need sunlight
for there is a brighter world, a brighter side to everything.
We are fostered and we flounder under sunshine.

We are not fungi
for we do not thrive under rocks and dark, wet crevices.
We die alone in the darkness for no one else wants to join.

Edit:
I read my brother this and I asked,

"so are you a flower or fungi?"
and he said flower.

10 minutes later he goes
"no.. i'm a fungi"
"ew"
"fun guy"

reminds me of mr. nelson's torturous idiotic bio classes...
my brother=mr. nelson?

I'm wreck right now.
The walls around me are falling
I feel like my heart's been penetrated by something pleasant that turned rotten and pulled out, leaving a big gaping hole.
In my head, it's not that complicated
but in my heart, I can't control the valves to my tears, to my shortening breaths, to the searing feeling that I get in my heart as it's being shattered into a million shards.
I think it would've been better if he just said, I just don't like you anymore.
Then I could've just thrown "asshole" and turned my back, and walked away.

What can you do when you still love someone but you can't be with them.
How do you glue back a broken heart.
When your mom asks you what's wrong, why do you say you just watched a sad drama?
Is my life a sad drama...

Joohee & Julia

Last night I watched Julie & Julia which is about a woman named Julie who finds herself through cooking. She follows the steps of Julia Child using Child's cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I'd say it's an excellent movie and quite inspiring given that it's based on a true story. So Julie keeps this blog about her cooking 524 meals in 365 days and that's how she becomes famous, writes a book, and makes this movie that I watched. It reminded me of two things I love to do: cooking & writing, both of which I've slacked off on this summer. So I guess I'll be blogging a lot more from now on.

Well I'm going to go to the Cheesecake factory now and be that epicurean I've always dreamed to be. And maybe while waiting on the dreaded queue I'll drop by Barnes and pick up a copy of Julia Child's cookbook. More inspiring must be done today!

it's amazing

how much someone can tear your heart apart

Self Assessment #Google

I don't know. I feel terrible. I'm physically not well but also mentally burdened. I had no idea why before and for hours and hours I thought about it. Why do I feel so uncomfortable, so vulnerable, so tired, and weary?

I think I've found the root of my problem.

I was surfing facebook and viewing the profiles of random Georgetown kids. Some were just ordinary mainstream, Gossip Girl watching cosmopolitans. Some were hardcore guitar strumming, Hendrix-listening, band rockers. Others were sports fanatics who were really into the whole Hoya image. However, there were a special few, those you could immediately identify and say, "wow this person is going to be big in the future." There is no arrogance or superficiality. They are not terribly ugly. They are not terribly pretty. Normal looking kids, but strong amazing hearts and spirit. No matter what labels are stuck to them, they flaunt them and take pride in them.

Example: If someone is Muslim, they are SO proud of it. If they are a humanitarian, they are SO active in it. Their beliefs are so resonant from the first moment that one can not help but to give enormous respect where due, even if the beliefs do not coincide with one's own.

And I guess that's where I have my problem. I've always believed myself to be a strong person, in my opinions, in leadership, etc. However, I guess I'm strong when I do believe it, but wishy-washy when choosing what to believe (does that makes sense?). So I need to get my priorities straight. I need to know what I believe in and advocate it headstrong. If someone has a problem with it, I can't feel like I'm being attacked. I must use reason and logic, two things that I have avoided and instead opted for anger. I will change I will change

Back to Old Habits

This morning I woke up to find the light on, me drooling on the pillow with a book uncomfortably wedged underneath my body. I haven't fallen asleep reading like this in the longest time...

PS i think putting on deodorant (or watching other people put it on) is one of the most awkward moments

Because there is nothing better to do (and i'm nerdy)

I am going to teach myself micro (econ).

Antidrug

Movie Making is my new antidrug! (not that i did drugs before) :p

Mother

It's 3:26 am, and my mother and I stayed up this late for the first time together to talk to each other about life. About overbearing parents and about how lucky I was to have parents who pushed me enough but not too much, parents who let me follow my own paths and desires.

My mom says often that a Pastor's life is hard, but all the toil, sweat, and tears contribute to the amazing blessing in the pastor's children. And my mom was telling me how blessed I was. She told me that she prayed every night that every inch of her worn bones would be worth it in the blessings for me. And it made me feel so guilty because 1) i've been such a whiny unthankful brat for the last 4 years. 2) because I realized that there are actually so many people praying for me. Yet, I don't even turn to God nowadays. I hardly open my bible, save for sundays. I talk to God maybe once a day for 3 seconds before I go to bed. I've been such a bad spiritual daughter. And it makes me cry everytime I realize that. Then the next day, it starts over.

Maybe I was never made for love.

Texting

There are some words when you text (sans QWERTY pad) with the same keypad combination. It's ironic how some of them work out:

Kid = Lie
Love= Jove
Brian= Asian (like Brian Choi)

Evening at Starbucks (based on a true story)

Evening at Starbucks

He sits behind the bubble telescope of porous foam floating
on her triple shot cappuccino, strumming another café evening.
She twists her auburn almond hair around her dough-white fingers,
pouting her young, girlish lips, dazzled glam in misfit racy red.
How’s everyone doing tonight, his voice soft like the light drizzle
outside, but rhythmic smooth as droplets fall to kiss the ground.
Her red-ring smile is explosive, alone against the monochromatic
backdrop of a bandwagon crowd, bustling their own agendas.
This song is for someone special. And he serenades the tousle headed
girl, who turns to serenade a suave Slavic chiseled man with
chestnut wisps like waves upon his head, a novelist, a new lover.
With fingertips used to tickle a story to book, he strokes a girl to
woman. Guitar boy sits in a bubble telescope, another note in
the noise, another rhythm in the room, strumming another café evening.

Lover's Quarrel

She tilts the red wine until it pools like the red sea,

a parting in two, onto a cool clean lacquered table.

Bourdeaux 1976, not good enough? Let it brim, let it drip.

Meaty lumps of avocado remain strung on his triton fork,

like a cracked violin, refusing to speak notes of raw reprimand.

She draws her red lips, tighter than the closed casket of

the dead, redder than venom bursting from pomegranate.

He burns like lit embers hiding beneath crumbling coal,

with eyes that house her heart under his bedlam igloo.

He continues to spear his avocado prey, and she prays

this red wine doesn’t stain. Let it brim and drip, but

don’t let it stay. Without an igloo, she has no home

but she tries to bake her frozen tundra, hammer ice

into amorphous corpses, singe his pretty boy lashes

with petty girl nonsense, drizzle fury and red wine

because she knows any fight is better than silence.

How to Lose Friends

I have this bad habit of signing off on someone if I get angry and don't want to deal with a problem. I did that to Tom last night, and we got in a big fight. It's an age long habit I've kept, and it's hard to fix. But I've realized it translated into everyday life. The reason why Ally and I are no longer friends isn't because there was a big fight that couldn't be solved, but it was because I walked away. I walked away because I knew I could. When I walk away, I'm half-heartedly hoping that someone will grab my hand and beg me to stay. But that's too much to ask, too much of my own fairy tale mind. I need to stop walking away, just stay, and say

sorry.

$Crazy

My wallet got stolen on the bus home from nyc today. It held $18, a debit card with $75, license, $8 gift card to Victoria's Secret, $6.95 dollar gift card to Macy's, metro card, pictures of my sweet 16... so nothing too big. But, I know it was stolen. The economy is bad. Moral strength is deteriorating. What can I expect? Do I have too little faith in human nature? Am I expecting too much? Too little? Was that really worth stealing? Was that really worth ruining someone's day?

I really wished that I was some kind of FBI agent who could pat people down. I stopped the entire bus, and yet no one confessed. And for a while after I thought, wow, I really can not trust people. People are bad by nature. But that's for people (like me) who have not been shown a bit of compassion. So instead of being bitter, I should start my own positive butterfly effect.

Currently Listening: Son of God


The body worship team is using Son of God for tonight's praise night. It's a really powerful song... I don't quite know what it is, but it moves me.

I woke up this morning saying, Oh my LORD, I should have prepared more! I guess in the past 1) I was disillusioned with the church, and thereby really unfocused 2) I believed that I should not get stressed about it because God will provide.

I guess I'm on track for #2, but I think I made the mistake of not caring enough. Indeed, there is a difference between caring and worrying. Caring is pouring in all I have in order to glorify God. Worrying is doubting God's authority and power. I regret it now, but by doing so, I am worrying, aren't I? It's never too late to entrust the Lord with all my heart. It's never too late to believe that God will provide. It's never too late to pour in all I have to my Father.

Vision

"We're not looking to be successful, but faithful."
-- Kevin from Harvesters, during prayer time

When he said that, I was like.. oh man. amen. There was a time when I said, God, whatever is your plan, I will follow. But tonight I reassessed my life and my plans for the future. Is the CIA or UN really a calling from God? Or is it something that I want to do because it's something cool I think I can do, something I can succeed in? One of my prayer requests during the meeting was that I may be able to obtain a vision, especially because I'm going to college. Little did I realize that the words that a pastor (who has stayed at my house for the past 3 days) spoke to me, was a vision that I could follow, or perhaps a mandate given to me by God. The pastor told me that I should be a lawyer. At that, I was like, "no pastor. I gave that dream up a while ago. I am not as good in politics and history as are some other people..." and he said that those who are extremely genius don't search for God. But God made me so that I lack 2%.. that way he can fill me up with 5%, so that in the end, my capabilities exceed 100%. He told me about how with law I can do things out of my own conscience, work for the name of God. But in the CIA/UN, I'm working for the government. The government is restricting. If I want to help humanity and implement God's visions, then law is the best way, and the strongest way. Perhaps I have been selfish thinking that I would follow my future in the CIA/UN. But that is in fact, very restricting, though stable with consistent salary. I know I was made for so much more. The pastor told me my work is in Africa. I'm not sure if this is exactly MY vision or his, but at least now I know I have a directive. I know that I can do greater and bigger things. I know that though I feel like I lack right now, if I search for God and ask for help, He will fill me up. Amen

Bible Voyage

A pastor said to me yesterday that if I read 30 minutes of classics every night, I could read 13 in a year. If I did that for 7 years, I could read about a hundred classics. It's the little by little process that accomplishes. It's like the Sunday School song ,"little by little everyday/little by little everyday/my Jesus i changing me/O He's changing me." In that way, I've been failing on my part of reading the Bible. I remember talking to Pastor James from Joy church who told me that faith/Christian path should not be based on emotions, sparks of ups and downs at an alter call, a good cry at a praise night. Why should emotions dictate our spiritual lives and relationship with God with emotions are constantly changing. Instead, we need constant exposure to the Word of God so that we may layer foundation upon foundation. In that way, I need a little by little daily dose of God.

Today during Harvesters, when the body worship demonstrated to the song, Son of God, I was really touched. There was nothing extraordinary about the Body Worship, but it reminded me of the God I had been missing for the past few months, the God I had promised myself to catch up with. In that sense, I'm on the same page with Min's last post. Ever since getting into Georgetown, I've become so arrogant towards God. It's almost as if I'd abandoned Him and said I don't need Him anymore. God, could you forgive me? And so every time I tried to pray to him, I felt dirty inside. I felt like I was unfit to pray. I opened to 1 Corinthians today (to eat my daily bread).

"Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him." - 1 Corinthians 1:26-29

The foolish, the weak, and the lowly were chosen by God. I am foolish. I am weak. I am lowly. But I am a daughter of God. And it's amazing that no matter how far we stray from our Father, hard to believe, but He still loves us. We are the prodigal children of God. Yet, He opens His arms to us and sets a feast with His best lamb for those who have betrayed him a thousand times. All that matters is that we return.


Lord
I know I'm weak
I know I'm worthy
to call upon your name...

But because of grace
because of your mercy
I stand here

Unashamed

Senior Year

You know people always ask, "how's senior year? It must be great, right?" Or they assume that I'm having the best leisurely time of my life. But it's been the hardest year. Not academically, but socially. If I reassess this year: I lost my friends, I lost financial security, I lost self-esteem, I've done really badly for a French season, and I'm just getting more depressed everyday. And although some things don't feel as bad, it just all balls up and doesn't let my heart go. I feel like crying, but I can't.

It's amazing how well I can act.. even unintentionally. I have so much energy in school. I don't even try to be happy. I just come off as generally effervescent. But it's sickening even to myself how much of a mask it all is, how much is covered.

And I read this post again and I think, wow I feel like this quite often. How many people feel like this quite often? I think many people feel like this at least once in a while. How many people go through this pain alone? Many people...

life is difficult

Dump(l)ings

I'm exhausted. I came home from AP Calc, which was a joke, and I made 300 dumplings. My mom and I are selling them to make some cash to live. I couldn't help thinking, wow this is what it feels like to do manual labor. Life has been way too easy and there are so many people out there who take their lives for granted. I feel like a factory worker. But like.. now I'm working for what I need, because I need to. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep

Built in I-Pod

So today in Peers, we were talking about special talents that each one of us have. After people saying, badminton, Rubik's cubes, clovered tongues, a new talent I've never heard before emerged. A quasi-bohemian, Italy cultured Israeli spoke about his musical ambitions and his wide exposure to different genres. He then spoke about how ever since last year, he began to hear music whenever someone started to speak. Usually the music identified with the personality of the speaker. So one arrogantly loud kid piped up and asked, "So what am I?!" He answered, "You? Well, I don't know. You're this weird.. weird... this weird alternative pop," meaning kind of annoying. Haha. But it's really interesting how different parts of your life or sensory system can get mixed. With synesthesia, you see colors when you hear things. In this case it's music, that isn't even physically playing, being intergrated into an oral conversation. It's like life has its own background music!

Why do we live our lives in a circle?
We have the same arguments, same jokes, same routine patterns.
Why do we never venture to live our lives in a progressive linear path, a path that goes somewhere?

It's probably because we don't know where a line will lead. To what ends it'll extend to.
And of course, we're afraid of the unknown.
But in a circle, though it never ends, at least we know what we're repeating.

Be Near Me

I was just listening to this song Be Near Me by Bethany Dillon on Pandora, and I looked up the lyrics. The lyrics resounded with me so much at my current state of christian life:

I follow all the rules
Well, at least I'm trying
Hoping when my days are through
You'll be pleased

I've lived the longest days
Thinking my heart was so bad
Too scared to look in your face
Oh, if only I had

[Bridge:]
And is it alright
If I stay here all night
By the shoreline

[Chorus:]
I cannot believe you are angry or unjust
You've done nothing but have compassion on us
So be near me when I've given up
Be near me

I'm just like everyone else
We are all hiding
Acting like I have a wealth
Of knowledge and peace

But all I've ever wanted
And what men have given their lives for
Is a God who understands my weaknesses
A God that I can love

Today our family was scheduled to have some bonding time in the city. I woke up to my mom yelling at my brother which in turn, HAD to involve me. I refused to leave the house and my mom got angry. blah blah blah dragged to the Met museum, with art i've seen more than a million times. blah blah blah. My feet hurt, my head hurts, hungry...

But on a better note, I bought a prom dress & a carnegie hall dress! The pink will go nicely with Min's orange.

I want to be nicer to my parents before they leave, but it's hard. You know? But it's not like i don't try... or do I?

Life and Death

Tupac said, Why are we dying to live when we live to die?

Life and death are such weird things to think about. Right now, I feel pretty fit. I have two hands, two working legs, and a normal face. But in a second, I could be dead. My body could just be a body. I was reading the 9/11 Commission comic book this morning and it listed numbers upon numbers of people who died, of people injured. Our body is so feeble. In an instant, something lifeless like a metal pole can crack open our heads, lacerate our legs, gouge out our eyes, or cut off our tongue. There are so many ways our human body can become inhuman, mutilated. And at these moments, we'd rather have death than live life through death.

Be thankful that we're not hurt. Be thankful even for that smallest imperfection of your mole on your left arm. Be thankful even for your sweaty palms. Be thankful that at least you're functioning normally. That you're living through life, and not through death.

College

Georgetown is a Jesuit university and sometimes nubs are turned off by that fact. Ironically enough, Georgetown is actually a place where so many different faiths gather--or lack of faith, that is. Honestly, I'm kind of scared that I'll move away from God. Only the very unique individuals are exempt from conformity, but as long as I'm living on this earth, interacting with everyone peacefully, I'll always be a victim to conformity.

I'm even more scared of this conformity because I've grown so weak in my faith. But I know it's for the better because I'm breaking down the foundations that have been wrongly built, and stacking up my rock of salvation which will last me a life time. It may take a while, and that's why I need a happy Christian community at Georgetown. Could you guys pray for me?

I made this blog so that I could spur myself to do more devotionals because my lack of them have caused me to misled too often. I haven't been praying to God sincerely, and now I'm here going to a school where I may lose touch with God, going to a new place where I have no vision, going to what I must now call a home because the one in New Jersey will no longer exist. I need to be led again by the voice of God. How else will this year's Praise night go on? How will my life unfold in God's will if I choose not to listen?