Currently Listening: Son of God


The body worship team is using Son of God for tonight's praise night. It's a really powerful song... I don't quite know what it is, but it moves me.

I woke up this morning saying, Oh my LORD, I should have prepared more! I guess in the past 1) I was disillusioned with the church, and thereby really unfocused 2) I believed that I should not get stressed about it because God will provide.

I guess I'm on track for #2, but I think I made the mistake of not caring enough. Indeed, there is a difference between caring and worrying. Caring is pouring in all I have in order to glorify God. Worrying is doubting God's authority and power. I regret it now, but by doing so, I am worrying, aren't I? It's never too late to entrust the Lord with all my heart. It's never too late to believe that God will provide. It's never too late to pour in all I have to my Father.

Vision

"We're not looking to be successful, but faithful."
-- Kevin from Harvesters, during prayer time

When he said that, I was like.. oh man. amen. There was a time when I said, God, whatever is your plan, I will follow. But tonight I reassessed my life and my plans for the future. Is the CIA or UN really a calling from God? Or is it something that I want to do because it's something cool I think I can do, something I can succeed in? One of my prayer requests during the meeting was that I may be able to obtain a vision, especially because I'm going to college. Little did I realize that the words that a pastor (who has stayed at my house for the past 3 days) spoke to me, was a vision that I could follow, or perhaps a mandate given to me by God. The pastor told me that I should be a lawyer. At that, I was like, "no pastor. I gave that dream up a while ago. I am not as good in politics and history as are some other people..." and he said that those who are extremely genius don't search for God. But God made me so that I lack 2%.. that way he can fill me up with 5%, so that in the end, my capabilities exceed 100%. He told me about how with law I can do things out of my own conscience, work for the name of God. But in the CIA/UN, I'm working for the government. The government is restricting. If I want to help humanity and implement God's visions, then law is the best way, and the strongest way. Perhaps I have been selfish thinking that I would follow my future in the CIA/UN. But that is in fact, very restricting, though stable with consistent salary. I know I was made for so much more. The pastor told me my work is in Africa. I'm not sure if this is exactly MY vision or his, but at least now I know I have a directive. I know that I can do greater and bigger things. I know that though I feel like I lack right now, if I search for God and ask for help, He will fill me up. Amen

Bible Voyage

A pastor said to me yesterday that if I read 30 minutes of classics every night, I could read 13 in a year. If I did that for 7 years, I could read about a hundred classics. It's the little by little process that accomplishes. It's like the Sunday School song ,"little by little everyday/little by little everyday/my Jesus i changing me/O He's changing me." In that way, I've been failing on my part of reading the Bible. I remember talking to Pastor James from Joy church who told me that faith/Christian path should not be based on emotions, sparks of ups and downs at an alter call, a good cry at a praise night. Why should emotions dictate our spiritual lives and relationship with God with emotions are constantly changing. Instead, we need constant exposure to the Word of God so that we may layer foundation upon foundation. In that way, I need a little by little daily dose of God.

Today during Harvesters, when the body worship demonstrated to the song, Son of God, I was really touched. There was nothing extraordinary about the Body Worship, but it reminded me of the God I had been missing for the past few months, the God I had promised myself to catch up with. In that sense, I'm on the same page with Min's last post. Ever since getting into Georgetown, I've become so arrogant towards God. It's almost as if I'd abandoned Him and said I don't need Him anymore. God, could you forgive me? And so every time I tried to pray to him, I felt dirty inside. I felt like I was unfit to pray. I opened to 1 Corinthians today (to eat my daily bread).

"Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him." - 1 Corinthians 1:26-29

The foolish, the weak, and the lowly were chosen by God. I am foolish. I am weak. I am lowly. But I am a daughter of God. And it's amazing that no matter how far we stray from our Father, hard to believe, but He still loves us. We are the prodigal children of God. Yet, He opens His arms to us and sets a feast with His best lamb for those who have betrayed him a thousand times. All that matters is that we return.


Lord
I know I'm weak
I know I'm worthy
to call upon your name...

But because of grace
because of your mercy
I stand here

Unashamed

Senior Year

You know people always ask, "how's senior year? It must be great, right?" Or they assume that I'm having the best leisurely time of my life. But it's been the hardest year. Not academically, but socially. If I reassess this year: I lost my friends, I lost financial security, I lost self-esteem, I've done really badly for a French season, and I'm just getting more depressed everyday. And although some things don't feel as bad, it just all balls up and doesn't let my heart go. I feel like crying, but I can't.

It's amazing how well I can act.. even unintentionally. I have so much energy in school. I don't even try to be happy. I just come off as generally effervescent. But it's sickening even to myself how much of a mask it all is, how much is covered.

And I read this post again and I think, wow I feel like this quite often. How many people feel like this quite often? I think many people feel like this at least once in a while. How many people go through this pain alone? Many people...

life is difficult

Dump(l)ings

I'm exhausted. I came home from AP Calc, which was a joke, and I made 300 dumplings. My mom and I are selling them to make some cash to live. I couldn't help thinking, wow this is what it feels like to do manual labor. Life has been way too easy and there are so many people out there who take their lives for granted. I feel like a factory worker. But like.. now I'm working for what I need, because I need to. I'm tired. I'm going to sleep